it betrays a bad mind

I saw the Very Mean Lady tonight. As usual, her presence upset and confused. I feel angry because she did a Mean Thing, but I also feel this terrible loss for how much I wanted her to be in my life and to help me. I admired her so much, I can't shake it completely. Afterward, I ate dinner with some other women I admire and they were discussing how much they like the Mean Lady. Hearing her praised made my own experience feel devalued and it also made me jealous because they get to enjoy her good side.

I'm confused because when the Mean Lady was speaking to a group of us, she mentioned that she didn't always do the right thing or treat people well and as she said this she looked directly at me for an extended period. I don't know what to think. Was it a form of apology? Did I imagine it? What if she really was acknowledging that what she did to me was not okay? I mean, I really internalized the message she gave me that I don't deserve help. I really really did. It's been years since she did the Mean Thing and I'm still flying solo in fight club because of it. If she thinks I'm not unworthy of help I wish she'd say so directly. I can't be sure that she was sending the message that I thought she was. I almost wish that I'd gone up to her afterward and asked flat out if she was trying to say something to me. I just felt so fluttery and sad it didn't even occur to me. I don't know that I've got the eggs to be that direct. I wonder if I could ask later? But when am I going to see her? What if I asked her and she didn't know what the Hell I was talking about? God, that'd be horrible. It'd be like being scraped off of her shoe again.

Also in the unsettling sightings category I think that I saw AW2 in town. Again, I'm not sure that I saw what I think that I saw but it sure look liked him and he was driving what looked like his vehicle. It had Mass plates which would suggest that he's in the area permanently. It's been very freeing to have him gone, I hope I don't have to go back to looking over my shoulder.

Hurm. Enough bitching. I actually had a great day. Work was pleasant. I hung out with folks I like a lot and went to a hockey game. I even got a free ticket from a very nice lady. I just really needed to get that other stuff off of my chest. Thanks for hearing me out. Oh! I put up a poll so make sure that you scroll down and vote. My future depends on it.

looking with a tender eye

I went through something of an extended depression from which I am just now reemerging. The reception from friends has been kind and loving. I have yet to learn to expect this but I certainly do appreciate it. There's some culture shock. The stiffness of unused muscles. I've forgotten exactly how to be and it's still awkward to move against my inclinations toward burrowing and stillness.

I've made some big plans for summer. Big Upheaval. I'm quitting my job and giving up my home. In July I will be traveling with Miho and Bukowski to Argentina (with a quick stop in Texas for Fight Club International) where I hope to stay for at least a few months. How amazing is that? It's my first big adventure and I'm excited for the new experience. At the very least I hope to improve my meager Spanish. Mostly I'm still skeptical, it just seems so outside of my normal experience that it couldn't possibly really happen. Still, I'm going along with it. I'll keep you updated.

What's most on my mind is what afterward is going to look like. I want to have something in place, for fear that I will revert to the Hellishness of a previous existence. Mostly this has meant that I'm starting to seriously look at graduate school. This brings up a whole kaleidoscope of fears, self-doubt and recrimination. I can't even tell you how much neuroses I bring to this subject, you would never believe me. The thing that is really worth mentioning is that after talking to a couple of helpful folks about it, I'm actually entertaining the possibility that it's within my capabilities. I just have to tackle one seemingly unassailable task at a time. Like the GRE. Gah!

When I get myself all stressed out I have a new solution. Reliance on a higher power? Better. (Thanks A!)

skip the darn thing and sing the refrain

Another lovely swim thwarted by monsoon season. I spent an inordinate amount of time stubbornly standing bikini-clad by the pool while the rain came down. Sure, it was sexy, but fun? No. When will this horror end? Even as I write this the sun seems to be peeking out but it's just a big tease. I was even going to vacuum the pool, so clearly good deeds don't earn good weather. What's going to become of my bike-riding plans this afternoon?

Okay, so it actually is kinda beautiful now with the sun and the light rain. I'm almost tempted to run back out there but my history suggests that the clouds will roll back in as soon as I do. On the mental health topic I'm still experiencing better living through chemistry and attending fight club regularly. I'm even trying to read Literature regularly. My social life has had a little kick as well, having Miho and Bukowski come to visit over the long weekend. Another wonderful friend is coming for a few days at the end of the week (I don't have a clever pseudonym for her yet- let's just call her Jane). Joy! I am a lucky lucky girl to have all of these visitors. I'm only a little bit worried becuase I don't think I'm very good at coming up with fun activities, but I trust it won't be an issue.

Did I tell you that I'm doing the internet dating thing? Well I am. Pretty brave of me, no? I'm still hugely ambivalent about romance after the last fiasco so that's a bit of a stumbling block. We'll see how it turns out. It doesn't seem terribly appropriate to discuss here in any detail but if I end up enmeshed in a serious relationship or something I will let you know. Wish me luck!

Be well everyone.

do your best and don't worry

It's pool-opening time at my house, which has me thinking about what a great place this is. Not just here on the estate, but the whole valley. This evening Ferdinand and I went out to Fight Club in Lake Pleasant. It was so lovely and woodsy and all, it made me think of Unirondack. I'd like to go back there in the daytime and have more of a stroll. Also, if anybody can explain the Bridge of Names to me I would be greatly obliged. It's like they never heard of a damn placard or something.

But nothing beats the farmland. Simple Gifts has critters now. Yeah sheep! Closer to home, the asparagus has been around and now we're getting into strawberries. Across the street they're selling free range eggs. Watch how you drive if you're nearby as they take free range pretty seriously. There are chickens in the road, wandering into neighbors' yards and willy-nilly all over the place.

You know what really has me in a good mood? I spent time with people today. I didn't want to, I wanted to stay in my house, but I'm really glad that I didn't. I got to speak honestly about things that are on my mind and get good feedback from two good friends. Why do I always forget that I am a social creature and I require human interaction? If I can just keep it in mind for a day... well you know how that works.

Has Gone

I saw the new Star Trek movie. I enjoyed myself and I'm not going to apologize for that. They put alot of time and money into making these things entertaining, I don't consider it a personal failing on my part. It's one of those thin summer blockbuster type of pleasures that doesn't hold up to much scrutiny. If you've seen it, I think that you'll agree that the amount of enjoyment is inversely proportional to the amount of thought that you give it. I wasn't out of the theatre very long before I started having thoughts such as "hey, there were hardly any women in that movie! and they were all weak man-accessories!" Is it still that hard to write roles for women? Here's a tip, just pretend you're writing for a man and then cast it differently. Look how awesomely it worked in Alien.

There were a lot of things to hate about Star Trek if you wanna know the truth. But I trust that's all being covered by professional reviewers and needn't be reiterated here. So I'm gonna mention some of the good things.

It's so shiny! The physical atmosphere generally arcs from dark to brighter through the narrative culminating in the tanning-booth of the enterprise's bridge, but even from the beginning you'll notice what a bright and shiny movie it is. Especially Chris Pine's eyeballs. Holy crap is that guy pretty. He's so pretty he almost loops around and takes it back. It really gives some verisimilitude to the whole himbo-Kirk thing that Shatner never pulled off.

Also, lets talk Karl Urban. You know him, he was the big slab of meat shuffling around The Chronicles of Riddick and Doom. (Okay, I was the only one who saw Doom.) Well in Star Trek he actually does some acting type stuff. I know, I could hardly believe it myself. He puts on a voice, he moves his limbs. He's probably the member of the cast who best recreates the original character. I felt weirdly proud of him, like I was watching a baby bird fight its way out of its shell. You go, little guy! You can do it!

In the weird casting department, Sulu is now Korean. And Chekov is played by the love child of the two members of Tears For Fears. Bonus.

But what the hell was Tyler Perry doing there? His presence was even more distracting than that of Winona Rider. Man do I hate that guy. Tell me if I'm wrong. Cuz I really don't know anything about him. I've never seen a single one of his movies. I just get this terrible sense of his work. He seems like the anti-Chuck D. He seems like he is to Blackness what empty-headed fembots are to Womanhood. In a society ruled by white straight men with money it is revolutionary to be born black (or queer or female or poor) but it seems like he strips that identity of anything radical. Anyway, that's just what I get from shelving his movies, it's not like I haven't been wrong before.