I skimmed through my last post and I'm a little embarrassed to see how little has changed. Well, there have been some important changes and I'll get to them, but I'm sorry to say that this is going to be another dating-centered post. So if that turns your stomach, consider yourself warned.
Update: The brief affair with Newcomer ended painlessly and he's doing very well and the two of us are good buddies now. Yea!
Update: Things with Mr. X continue to go smashingly and he's introduced me to Ms. X and holy moley that's going pretty smashingly too. Hot diggity!
I took a few months off but now I'm back to interwebs dating and the past few weeks have been cluttered with first and second dates. On Saturday I had three dates. I shit you not. Three. It's madness. So first and second dates are all well and good, no problem there. But what about third dates? What then my friends? Tonight I had a late dinner with a young man who I'm going to refer to as Red Dragon. He seems very nice and I'm really enjoying our time together. We shared a lovely chaste-ish kiss upon parting that I'm smiling to think of. So when is a good time to mention Mr. & Ms. X? Hmm? Do you begin to see my problem? I'm projecting a bit with Red Dragon, it's too early to be disclosing my other activities but it's an issue that's going to come up with someone eventually.
How can I talk to someone about this stuff when I'm not sure where I stand myself? I'm enjoying the whole non-monogamy thing but I don't know that it's a requirement for all future relationships. What if I fall in love? Will I want to be monogamous then? What if I fall in love but I don't want to be monogamous? How's that one going to fly? Should I be screening for that early on, only getting involved with people who are okay with sharing? But why do that if I'm going to end up settling down with the person that I fall for? I would really like to avoid the breaking of any hearts, mine included. What's that Facebook relationship status? Oh yeah: "It's complicated."
Update: I have a job!
Oh dear oh dear it's working for my old boss of 7 years. So here I am, post-Argentina and the only substantial change is that I'm making much less money. Grrrr. No, no. Mustn't be so negative. I'm enjoying the new job. It's an even cushier branch of retail and I'm making a very good wage though too few hours. I've just got to buckle down and find some other work (paid or unpaid) in the human services field so I can at least be taking steps toward something more. But with all of these dates to go on who can find the time?
Priorities.
Tomorrow I'm going to drive down to NYC to go to Comic Con. Gonna get my nerd on. I'm a bit nervous because no one could come with me so I'm going it alone. Trying not to feel like too much of a loser. It means no costume though, that would just be too silly. Lonely cosplay is just a low I'm not ready to sink to. There won't be much time to hang out with the big sis but I'll be staying with her and hopefully we'll get to squeeze in a few episodes of The Wire.
A few weeks ago I got to go to one of my oldest friends' wedding. It was a long haul getting down there but oh man was it worth it just to see how happy she was. That was really an incredible gift. I got to spend some time with the cream of the crop from back in the day. I always forget that a wedding isn't just the ceremony but there's this whole cool party that goes along with it. We danced up a storm.
Eh, all this dating. I think that I miss my friends. I miss Caritas. I miss Miho. We haven't been able to get our free time to match up and it feels like ages since I saw her. Bros before hos and all that, I think I need to arrange my schedule next week very carefully. I wish there was more time.
That's how much I'm enjoying my life right now. I wish there was much more of it.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
but gravity always wins
Adapt to Chaos. That's life in a nutshell. And sometimes you add a little to that chaos. There are times I can't seem to help but stir the pot.
I'm still unemployed and dating has become the primary focus of my life. For a little while Fight Club was at the top but now I have to admit that more base concerns have taken precedence. So this post is going to be about all that nonsense.
I opened up my interwebs hunt to include the ladies and I had a nice date on Monday with a beautiful one. I'm a little nervous about all that but I wanted to expand my horizons a bit. We'll see what happens.
I'd like to mention a date I went out on a week and a half ago. I was feeling pretty discouraged. I was feeling that I had exhausted the pool and had to throw back a number of catches. I was feeling that my weekly and sometimes biweekly visits with Mr. X (which are lovely and I'm not complaining) were as well as I was going to do. Then I had this date on the 7th that spun my head. He was attractive. He was smart. He was funny. He was interesting. He listened. He showed me "the sensitive plant" in the Smith green house. We spent 6 hours together and never ran out of things to talk about. Bad news: he's on his way to live in Wisconsin. Or something. Not here anyway. The next day I called out of my volunteer job and stayed in bed until 5pm. I just didn't feel able to handle, couldn't continue to be the social butterfly that I'd been for the past few months. I wasn't consciously aware of a causal connection for a few days but I think that it was there. I think that I felt cheated and lonely and I think maybe I still do. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize my behavior this week.
So about that... Let me say that it had also been a weekend where I didn't see Mr. X so there was some longing and disappointment there as well. Again, trying to rationalize and justify. I've been seeing this kid (not literally-- he's 28?) around. I've been going to certain meetings in order to see him actually. Just to look. Just another pretty face I can long for hopelessly the way I do in Fight Club. Then on Thursday he sits down next to me. And it's all "want to go get lunch?" and I'm saying "yes" even though I have a date planned with a boy from the interwebs. Then it's "want to go for a walk?" and again my eager assent. And then "want to get coffee later tonight?" and "yes." So I go off to meet interwebs boy for a few hours and then back to our Fight Club friend. After coffee it's "it's still early. want to come over to my place and watch a movie?" and "yes yes yes." And you know what that means. Oh yes.
Oh no. Because I try to stay out of Fight Club. It's not called Dating Club. It's not a place I like to stir up drama. And for another reason. A big reason. See, this kid, he hasn't been around very long. He's off-limits. He's beaten up and hurt and off-limits. And I didn't care. I didn't care because I just wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and whew he wanted it too so I didn't care. So I'm one of those people now. Not just liberated and happily slutty but really selfish and irresponsible. And that's how it is I guess.
I already went through a period of "oh my god, why isn't he calling me?" nonsense making myself crazy and sad. Then he requested me last night and I practically flew there. But I haven't a clue if it's going to continue. There is something off in our chemistry and he's pathologically uncommunicative. So maybe he'll never call me again. Maybe I'll be upset, maybe not. I hope that I'm not damaging him or jeopardizing his recovery. That's not what I wanted for him. I wanted to be a nice bonus. A gift of sobriety. The relief he was looking for. I don't want anyone to suffer for my good time even though my actions would suggest that I don't care. And I don't exactly know if it is a good time. It was the consummation of a desire. What it is now, I don't know.
I'm still unemployed and dating has become the primary focus of my life. For a little while Fight Club was at the top but now I have to admit that more base concerns have taken precedence. So this post is going to be about all that nonsense.
I opened up my interwebs hunt to include the ladies and I had a nice date on Monday with a beautiful one. I'm a little nervous about all that but I wanted to expand my horizons a bit. We'll see what happens.
I'd like to mention a date I went out on a week and a half ago. I was feeling pretty discouraged. I was feeling that I had exhausted the pool and had to throw back a number of catches. I was feeling that my weekly and sometimes biweekly visits with Mr. X (which are lovely and I'm not complaining) were as well as I was going to do. Then I had this date on the 7th that spun my head. He was attractive. He was smart. He was funny. He was interesting. He listened. He showed me "the sensitive plant" in the Smith green house. We spent 6 hours together and never ran out of things to talk about. Bad news: he's on his way to live in Wisconsin. Or something. Not here anyway. The next day I called out of my volunteer job and stayed in bed until 5pm. I just didn't feel able to handle, couldn't continue to be the social butterfly that I'd been for the past few months. I wasn't consciously aware of a causal connection for a few days but I think that it was there. I think that I felt cheated and lonely and I think maybe I still do. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize my behavior this week.
So about that... Let me say that it had also been a weekend where I didn't see Mr. X so there was some longing and disappointment there as well. Again, trying to rationalize and justify. I've been seeing this kid (not literally-- he's 28?) around. I've been going to certain meetings in order to see him actually. Just to look. Just another pretty face I can long for hopelessly the way I do in Fight Club. Then on Thursday he sits down next to me. And it's all "want to go get lunch?" and I'm saying "yes" even though I have a date planned with a boy from the interwebs. Then it's "want to go for a walk?" and again my eager assent. And then "want to get coffee later tonight?" and "yes." So I go off to meet interwebs boy for a few hours and then back to our Fight Club friend. After coffee it's "it's still early. want to come over to my place and watch a movie?" and "yes yes yes." And you know what that means. Oh yes.
Oh no. Because I try to stay out of Fight Club. It's not called Dating Club. It's not a place I like to stir up drama. And for another reason. A big reason. See, this kid, he hasn't been around very long. He's off-limits. He's beaten up and hurt and off-limits. And I didn't care. I didn't care because I just wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and whew he wanted it too so I didn't care. So I'm one of those people now. Not just liberated and happily slutty but really selfish and irresponsible. And that's how it is I guess.
I already went through a period of "oh my god, why isn't he calling me?" nonsense making myself crazy and sad. Then he requested me last night and I practically flew there. But I haven't a clue if it's going to continue. There is something off in our chemistry and he's pathologically uncommunicative. So maybe he'll never call me again. Maybe I'll be upset, maybe not. I hope that I'm not damaging him or jeopardizing his recovery. That's not what I wanted for him. I wanted to be a nice bonus. A gift of sobriety. The relief he was looking for. I don't want anyone to suffer for my good time even though my actions would suggest that I don't care. And I don't exactly know if it is a good time. It was the consummation of a desire. What it is now, I don't know.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
they can't handle
Did I mention those two dates that were unspectacular but promising? Well those two guys both blew me off. I'm not spiraling into a pit of depression but I am thinking unhappy thoughts. I'm thinking about those two guys and all of the cute ones who never responded to my messages and I'm trying to construct a narrative that fits.
Do I overestimate my own attractiveness? Am I going for people who are out of my league in a misguided belief in my own cuteness? I don't feel like any of these guys know me well enough to judge my personality. Or is it my personality? Is there some flaw that is so obvious that it can be perceived in the course of one meal or one email? Should I be reevaluating my "rejected" pile and lowering my standards?
It makes me hate the whole project of dating. I don't want to feel like this: a little crazy, a little desperate. I want calm and gratitude. I want to have plans for tomorrow night dammit!
I'm so grateful for my friends, for filling my days and making me feel worthy of love. I'm super glad for Mr. X too, who got to know me a bit better than those two flakes and gave me the all-clear to seduce him. Though now I am convinced he's going to back out of our Saturday plans at the last minute. In the meantime, Miho didn't flake on me and I'm going to get to hang out with her today. Yea! I expect that will be a good morale boost, hopefully I won't be so consumed with things me-related.
Do I overestimate my own attractiveness? Am I going for people who are out of my league in a misguided belief in my own cuteness? I don't feel like any of these guys know me well enough to judge my personality. Or is it my personality? Is there some flaw that is so obvious that it can be perceived in the course of one meal or one email? Should I be reevaluating my "rejected" pile and lowering my standards?
It makes me hate the whole project of dating. I don't want to feel like this: a little crazy, a little desperate. I want calm and gratitude. I want to have plans for tomorrow night dammit!
I'm so grateful for my friends, for filling my days and making me feel worthy of love. I'm super glad for Mr. X too, who got to know me a bit better than those two flakes and gave me the all-clear to seduce him. Though now I am convinced he's going to back out of our Saturday plans at the last minute. In the meantime, Miho didn't flake on me and I'm going to get to hang out with her today. Yea! I expect that will be a good morale boost, hopefully I won't be so consumed with things me-related.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
women are well acquainted with thirst
So I've been going on a lot of dates lately. Including one that I didn't even identify as a date until well into it. And it has me thinking that maybe boys do like me. Maybe I don't have to spend my life alone, or at least my Friday nights. I think that the initial batch of "keepers" will dry up with time as far as the internet dating goes, so I don't expect this run of good fortune to necessarily last. I just intend to enjoy it while I can.
To summarize last week's meetings: 2 that I don't find attractive. 1 about whom I am very ambivalent. 2 who deserve further investigation and who I will be seeing this week as well. 1 who I'm very excited about becoming my new best friend with benefits. For good or bad, I think he'll be showing up in these pages so let's call him Mr. X. I'm tempted to gush about Mr. X but I'm doing my best to restrain myself. As if by keeping my crush to myself, I can deny it power and insulate myself from any backlash. Yeah right. Wish me luck with that one. I'm hoping that he will be exactly what I need and I'm trying not to think about how horrifyingly bad the end of my last "arrangement" was. The last thing I need is a repeat of that and maybe it's the height of foolishness to be barking up a similar tree.
Here's the thing though: I'm not going to be in my super-sexy 30's forever. I want to enjoy myself. It has been so very long since I enjoyed myself. I feel so very very lucky to have these opportunities and I don't want to waste them. So I'm trying not to. I'm trusting my gut and I'm doing my best to live life fully. If it ends in tears, well, so be it. I'd rather that than to have failed to try for something.
Speaking of trying for something, I also wowed myself by sending out my resume on Friday to a place that I would really really like to work for. I sent a follow-up email today and I'm hoping that I will hear something (positive) from them soon. This place is my number one pick for employment so there was a lot of fear about actually applying. You know my usual m.o. of not trying so I can avoid failing... Well I broke out of it, now I have to play the waiting game. I'll keep you updated on that as well.
To summarize last week's meetings: 2 that I don't find attractive. 1 about whom I am very ambivalent. 2 who deserve further investigation and who I will be seeing this week as well. 1 who I'm very excited about becoming my new best friend with benefits. For good or bad, I think he'll be showing up in these pages so let's call him Mr. X. I'm tempted to gush about Mr. X but I'm doing my best to restrain myself. As if by keeping my crush to myself, I can deny it power and insulate myself from any backlash. Yeah right. Wish me luck with that one. I'm hoping that he will be exactly what I need and I'm trying not to think about how horrifyingly bad the end of my last "arrangement" was. The last thing I need is a repeat of that and maybe it's the height of foolishness to be barking up a similar tree.
Here's the thing though: I'm not going to be in my super-sexy 30's forever. I want to enjoy myself. It has been so very long since I enjoyed myself. I feel so very very lucky to have these opportunities and I don't want to waste them. So I'm trying not to. I'm trusting my gut and I'm doing my best to live life fully. If it ends in tears, well, so be it. I'd rather that than to have failed to try for something.
Speaking of trying for something, I also wowed myself by sending out my resume on Friday to a place that I would really really like to work for. I sent a follow-up email today and I'm hoping that I will hear something (positive) from them soon. This place is my number one pick for employment so there was a lot of fear about actually applying. You know my usual m.o. of not trying so I can avoid failing... Well I broke out of it, now I have to play the waiting game. I'll keep you updated on that as well.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
wear that dress when you dine
I've felt pretty high lately.
I was so freaked out about trying to look for work that I went back to that internet dating thing in a moment of exasperation, as if I could only bear to be afraid of one thing at a time. The results have been pretty positive. Of course there have been the very appealing guys who didn't bother to respond but there was also a successful date on Tuesday night with a pretty cute and very funny guy. Just today I had another date, but I'm not attracted to him. Not sure what to do about that because he seems nice and "sorry, I just don't think that you're attractive" seems harsh. Friday will be yet another date with somebody with very cute pictures, I'll let you know how that goes. There are others that I'm corresponding with and have various expectations about. I'm totally crushing on one kid, just sent him a quick note and promptly convinced myself that I've scared him off and ruined everything. On the other hand there is this other fella who I'm currently (in another tab) corresponding with who is all about the intensity and asking me lots of thoughtful questions about my emotional style.
I'm also super high on all of the newcomers in my life lately. I'm now sponsoring two women, both of whom I worry for but who make me so very glad and excited and grateful. I have been all over fight club lately. It is awesome! Spoke yesterday, speaking tomorrow, going twice a day some days.
Oh, but at the moment I am tired, so very tired. It is 2 am but I am waiting for some more male attention and don't want to sleep before I get it. Crazy pants. Absolutely crazy pants.
I was so freaked out about trying to look for work that I went back to that internet dating thing in a moment of exasperation, as if I could only bear to be afraid of one thing at a time. The results have been pretty positive. Of course there have been the very appealing guys who didn't bother to respond but there was also a successful date on Tuesday night with a pretty cute and very funny guy. Just today I had another date, but I'm not attracted to him. Not sure what to do about that because he seems nice and "sorry, I just don't think that you're attractive" seems harsh. Friday will be yet another date with somebody with very cute pictures, I'll let you know how that goes. There are others that I'm corresponding with and have various expectations about. I'm totally crushing on one kid, just sent him a quick note and promptly convinced myself that I've scared him off and ruined everything. On the other hand there is this other fella who I'm currently (in another tab) corresponding with who is all about the intensity and asking me lots of thoughtful questions about my emotional style.
I'm also super high on all of the newcomers in my life lately. I'm now sponsoring two women, both of whom I worry for but who make me so very glad and excited and grateful. I have been all over fight club lately. It is awesome! Spoke yesterday, speaking tomorrow, going twice a day some days.
Oh, but at the moment I am tired, so very tired. It is 2 am but I am waiting for some more male attention and don't want to sleep before I get it. Crazy pants. Absolutely crazy pants.
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