adapt to chaos

meet the new boss, same as the old boss

2011-10-13T03:05:00.001-04:00

I skimmed through my last post and I'm a little embarrassed to see how little has changed. Well, there have been some important changes and I'll get to them, but I'm sorry to say that this is going to be another dating-centered post. So if that turns your stomach, consider yourself warned.

Update: The brief affair with Newcomer ended painlessly and he's doing very well and the two of us are good buddies now. Yea!

Update: Things with Mr. X continue to go smashingly and he's introduced me to Ms. X and holy moley that's going pretty smashingly too. Hot diggity!

I took a few months off but now I'm back to interwebs dating and the past few weeks have been cluttered with first and second dates. On Saturday I had three dates. I shit you not. Three. It's madness. So first and second dates are all well and good, no problem there. But what about third dates? What then my friends? Tonight I had a late dinner with a young man who I'm going to refer to as Red Dragon. He seems very nice and I'm really enjoying our time together. We shared a lovely chaste-ish kiss upon parting that I'm smiling to think of. So when is a good time to mention Mr. & Ms. X? Hmm? Do you begin to see my problem? I'm projecting a bit with Red Dragon, it's too early to be disclosing my other activities but it's an issue that's going to come up with someone eventually.

How can I talk to someone about this stuff when I'm not sure where I stand myself? I'm enjoying the whole non-monogamy thing but I don't know that it's a requirement for all future relationships. What if I fall in love? Will I want to be monogamous then? What if I fall in love but I don't want to be monogamous? How's that one going to fly? Should I be screening for that early on, only getting involved with people who are okay with sharing? But why do that if I'm going to end up settling down with the person that I fall for? I would really like to avoid the breaking of any hearts, mine included. What's that Facebook relationship status? Oh yeah: "It's complicated."

Update: I have a job!

Oh dear oh dear it's working for my old boss of 7 years. So here I am, post-Argentina and the only substantial change is that I'm making much less money. Grrrr. No, no. Mustn't be so negative. I'm enjoying the new job. It's an even cushier branch of retail and I'm making a very good wage though too few hours. I've just got to buckle down and find some other work (paid or unpaid) in the human services field so I can at least be taking steps toward something more. But with all of these dates to go on who can find the time?

Priorities.

Tomorrow I'm going to drive down to NYC to go to Comic Con. Gonna get my nerd on. I'm a bit nervous because no one could come with me so I'm going it alone. Trying not to feel like too much of a loser. It means no costume though, that would just be too silly. Lonely cosplay is just a low I'm not ready to sink to. There won't be much time to hang out with the big sis but I'll be staying with her and hopefully we'll get to squeeze in a few episodes of The Wire.

A few weeks ago I got to go to one of my oldest friends' wedding. It was a long haul getting down there but oh man was it worth it just to see how happy she was. That was really an incredible gift. I got to spend some time with the cream of the crop from back in the day. I always forget that a wedding isn't just the ceremony but there's this whole cool party that goes along with it. We danced up a storm.

Eh, all this dating. I think that I miss my friends. I miss Caritas. I miss Miho. We haven't been able to get our free time to match up and it feels like ages since I saw her. Bros before hos and all that, I think I need to arrange my schedule next week very carefully. I wish there was more time.

That's how much I'm enjoying my life right now. I wish there was much more of it.

but gravity always wins

2011-05-18T22:56:00.000-04:00

Adapt to Chaos. That's life in a nutshell. And sometimes you add a little to that chaos. There are times I can't seem to help but stir the pot.

I'm still unemployed and dating has become the primary focus of my life. For a little while Fight Club was at the top but now I have to admit that more base concerns have taken precedence. So this post is going to be about all that nonsense.

I opened up my interwebs hunt to include the ladies and I had a nice date on Monday with a beautiful one. I'm a little nervous about all that but I wanted to expand my horizons a bit. We'll see what happens.

I'd like to mention a date I went out on a week and a half ago. I was feeling pretty discouraged. I was feeling that I had exhausted the pool and had to throw back a number of catches. I was feeling that my weekly and sometimes biweekly visits with Mr. X (which are lovely and I'm not complaining) were as well as I was going to do. Then I had this date on the 7th that spun my head. He was attractive. He was smart. He was funny. He was interesting. He listened. He showed me "the sensitive plant" in the Smith green house. We spent 6 hours together and never ran out of things to talk about. Bad news: he's on his way to live in Wisconsin. Or something. Not here anyway. The next day I called out of my volunteer job and stayed in bed until 5pm. I just didn't feel able to handle, couldn't continue to be the social butterfly that I'd been for the past few months. I wasn't consciously aware of a causal connection for a few days but I think that it was there. I think that I felt cheated and lonely and I think maybe I still do. Or maybe I'm just trying to rationalize my behavior this week.

So about that... Let me say that it had also been a weekend where I didn't see Mr. X so there was some longing and disappointment there as well. Again, trying to rationalize and justify. I've been seeing this kid (not literally-- he's 28?) around. I've been going to certain meetings in order to see him actually. Just to look. Just another pretty face I can long for hopelessly the way I do in Fight Club. Then on Thursday he sits down next to me. And it's all "want to go get lunch?" and I'm saying "yes" even though I have a date planned with a boy from the interwebs. Then it's "want to go for a walk?" and again my eager assent. And then "want to get coffee later tonight?" and "yes." So I go off to meet interwebs boy for a few hours and then back to our Fight Club friend. After coffee it's "it's still early. want to come over to my place and watch a movie?" and "yes yes yes." And you know what that means. Oh yes.

Oh no. Because I try to stay out of Fight Club. It's not called Dating Club. It's not a place I like to stir up drama. And for another reason. A big reason. See, this kid, he hasn't been around very long. He's off-limits. He's beaten up and hurt and off-limits. And I didn't care. I didn't care because I just wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and whew he wanted it too so I didn't care. So I'm one of those people now. Not just liberated and happily slutty but really selfish and irresponsible. And that's how it is I guess.

I already went through a period of "oh my god, why isn't he calling me?" nonsense making myself crazy and sad. Then he requested me last night and I practically flew there. But I haven't a clue if it's going to continue. There is something off in our chemistry and he's pathologically uncommunicative. So maybe he'll never call me again. Maybe I'll be upset, maybe not. I hope that I'm not damaging him or jeopardizing his recovery. That's not what I wanted for him. I wanted to be a nice bonus. A gift of sobriety. The relief he was looking for. I don't want anyone to suffer for my good time even though my actions would suggest that I don't care. And I don't exactly know if it is a good time. It was the consummation of a desire. What it is now, I don't know.

they can't handle

2011-03-31T11:48:00.005-04:00

Did I mention those two dates that were unspectacular but promising? Well those two guys both blew me off. I'm not spiraling into a pit of depression but I am thinking unhappy thoughts. I'm thinking about those two guys and all of the cute ones who never responded to my messages and I'm trying to construct a narrative that fits.

Do I overestimate my own attractiveness? Am I going for people who are out of my league in a misguided belief in my own cuteness? I don't feel like any of these guys know me well enough to judge my personality. Or is it my personality? Is there some flaw that is so obvious that it can be perceived in the course of one meal or one email? Should I be reevaluating my "rejected" pile and lowering my standards?

It makes me hate the whole project of dating. I don't want to feel like this: a little crazy, a little desperate. I want calm and gratitude. I want to have plans for tomorrow night dammit!

I'm so grateful for my friends, for filling my days and making me feel worthy of love. I'm super glad for Mr. X too, who got to know me a bit better than those two flakes and gave me the all-clear to seduce him. Though now I am convinced he's going to back out of our Saturday plans at the last minute. In the meantime, Miho didn't flake on me and I'm going to get to hang out with her today. Yea! I expect that will be a good morale boost, hopefully I won't be so consumed with things me-related.

women are well acquainted with thirst

2011-03-29T16:22:00.004-04:00

So I've been going on a lot of dates lately. Including one that I didn't even identify as a date until well into it. And it has me thinking that maybe boys do like me. Maybe I don't have to spend my life alone, or at least my Friday nights. I think that the initial batch of "keepers" will dry up with time as far as the internet dating goes, so I don't expect this run of good fortune to necessarily last. I just intend to enjoy it while I can.

To summarize last week's meetings: 2 that I don't find attractive. 1 about whom I am very ambivalent. 2 who deserve further investigation and who I will be seeing this week as well. 1 who I'm very excited about becoming my new best friend with benefits. For good or bad, I think he'll be showing up in these pages so let's call him Mr. X. I'm tempted to gush about Mr. X but I'm doing my best to restrain myself. As if by keeping my crush to myself, I can deny it power and insulate myself from any backlash. Yeah right. Wish me luck with that one. I'm hoping that he will be exactly what I need and I'm trying not to think about how horrifyingly bad the end of my last "arrangement" was. The last thing I need is a repeat of that and maybe it's the height of foolishness to be barking up a similar tree.

Here's the thing though: I'm not going to be in my super-sexy 30's forever. I want to enjoy myself. It has been so very long since I enjoyed myself. I feel so very very lucky to have these opportunities and I don't want to waste them. So I'm trying not to. I'm trusting my gut and I'm doing my best to live life fully. If it ends in tears, well, so be it. I'd rather that than to have failed to try for something.

Speaking of trying for something, I also wowed myself by sending out my resume on Friday to a place that I would really really like to work for. I sent a follow-up email today and I'm hoping that I will hear something (positive) from them soon. This place is my number one pick for employment so there was a lot of fear about actually applying. You know my usual m.o. of not trying so I can avoid failing... Well I broke out of it, now I have to play the waiting game. I'll keep you updated on that as well.

wear that dress when you dine

2011-03-24T00:52:00.002-04:00

I've felt pretty high lately.

I was so freaked out about trying to look for work that I went back to that internet dating thing in a moment of exasperation, as if I could only bear to be afraid of one thing at a time. The results have been pretty positive. Of course there have been the very appealing guys who didn't bother to respond but there was also a successful date on Tuesday night with a pretty cute and very funny guy. Just today I had another date, but I'm not attracted to him. Not sure what to do about that because he seems nice and "sorry, I just don't think that you're attractive" seems harsh. Friday will be yet another date with somebody with very cute pictures, I'll let you know how that goes. There are others that I'm corresponding with and have various expectations about. I'm totally crushing on one kid, just sent him a quick note and promptly convinced myself that I've scared him off and ruined everything. On the other hand there is this other fella who I'm currently (in another tab) corresponding with who is all about the intensity and asking me lots of thoughtful questions about my emotional style.

I'm also super high on all of the newcomers in my life lately. I'm now sponsoring two women, both of whom I worry for but who make me so very glad and excited and grateful. I have been all over fight club lately. It is awesome! Spoke yesterday, speaking tomorrow, going twice a day some days.

Oh, but at the moment I am tired, so very tired. It is 2 am but I am waiting for some more male attention and don't want to sleep before I get it. Crazy pants. Absolutely crazy pants.

the liquid that we're all disolved in

2011-03-16T23:13:00.004-04:00

I am so tuned-up from fight club right now. Abuzz. This morning was all about (groan) gratitude but of course it filled my heart. What really got me going though was the sight of a woman I know from another context who I've always really liked and there she was for her very first time. Boy was I excited! Of course she wasn't too thrilled to be there. I'm hoping that I made it a little more comfortable for her, I really really wanted to.

That would have been enough to make my day but it gets better. I was super tired this afternoon but I did the right thing anyway and went over to visit my buddy with the smashed ankle to bring him some movies and just chill for a couple of hours. As long as I was out, and since there had been an interrupting fire alarm in the morning, I returned to fight club in the evening. Feeling pretty good, I had the frame of mind to introduce myself to an unfamiliar young lady and lo and behold if she wasn't fresh out of the hospital! Huzzah! Another newcomer! Is it wrong to get so excited and feel so good about seeing someone in so much pain? Too bad! I can't stop! She had some previous experience so had no questions for me, but needed to get some stuff off her chest so I got an opportunity to listen and try to offer what reassurance I could.

It might seem really strange if you're not into the whole crazy cult thing, but these two women made my week. I am giddy. It's kind of like if you've ever been in on a surprise party for someone. Maybe they're bummed because of something that happened that day, but you know that they are about to open a door to something wonderful. It's an extreme version of that because they are coming from a somewhere unimaginably bad, a place lower than any person should ever have to imagine, and they can look forward to something infinitely better than a surprise party. A brand new way of life. The fourth fucking dimension.

Less awesome has been my total inability to finish off my resume, much less send it out anywhere. I compounded my shame about this by lying about it to someone this afternoon. What a tool. I've really been dragging this process out but finally realized today that I need to ask for the willingness to ask for the willingness, that should lead to something. One interesting aspect of this seems to be that I can only stand to be paralyzed from fear about one thing at a time and I signed onto that internet dating site for the first time in two years and wrote to a couple of cute boys. Just --you know-- like no big thing. It recently netted one of my friends some groping in the woods, and another her fiance (I think). We'll see if it gets me anywhere.

I think that's all the gossip for now. I'll try to keep you updated.

Strange Loop

2011-02-28T15:12:00.005-05:00

I have made my triumphant return. I have left Buenos Aires behind and am once more a resident of lovely Hadley Mass. It is strangely exciting to be here, the familiar is a novelty. I am super happy about it. I've been nesting for a few days, getting my room organized and what not. Now I'm starting to run out of busy work. That is a scary thing. That is truly terrifying, because that was the only thing standing in the way of the business of living. The business of living, the business of growing up. It's time for me to find a job.

I haven't had to find a job in about seven years. I've never written a resume. I want to make a whole career change. I am afraid, deeply afraid. Ferdinand was kind enough to put in a good word for me at his job, but I'm not sure that I'd be happy there. I thought that it would be easy finding a gig working with "troubled" kids. Am I looking in the wrong places? There are lots of vacancies working with those with traumatic brain injuries but I don't think that's for me. I would like something ideal to just fall into my lap. Where am I supposed to look? I'd be more inclined to put serious effort into the search if I weren't so full of fear.

So it's about staying calm, making a little effort every day and in the meantime just enjoying the many benefits of unemployment.

Some Argentines Without Means

2010-07-22T11:07:00.004-04:00

It's hard to get my brain around the concept, but here I am in Buenos Aires. It's now been one week since we arrived and it's a strange kind of normal. Miho has the coffee ready when I wake up. Bukowski fights to stay in bed. We prepare slowly for the day and venture out, sticking to the D line on the subte, lately into Recoleta. The bus system remains an intimidating mystery, but I at least understand how to read the guia 't' (the bus schedule).

The meetings provide a blessedly familiar space. There are English language ones every single day and the formats closely resemble those in the happy valley. I find that to be an enormous comfort. There are a handful of people who have gone out of their way to make us comfortable and to share their experience. I owe them a huge debt of gratitude and hope to be similarly useful to someone else in the future.

After a little bit of tension when we first arrived, the three amigos have been getting along swimmingly. This is quite a feat given the somewhat cramped quarters and the lack of alone time. We are all co-authoring a blog of our experiences here so I'm afraid this blog will suffer for it. If you want to hear all the news check it out in the links.

one act of kindness could be deathly

2010-05-19T20:50:00.006-04:00

You know the mean lady? Well she made amends to me this evening. Pretty big fucking deal. It was two years ago, almost to the day, and in the very same building where she crushed me. You know how much I appreciate ghosts. It was... good. Intense, very charged. I found that I didn't have all of the words for my experience, I couldn't recount how horrible it felt in the face of her contrition. She clearly felt very guilty and I didn't want to twist the knife by detailing how traumatic it had been for me. Maybe it was enough to see her regret. Apparently it had been there for some time but I had no idea. How could I have known? That's the part that still rankles a bit, that she waited so long. That I didn't have to spend all that time working under the belief that she thought so little of me. It was fear on her part and I don't feel like she really acknowledged her responsibility in that and was framing it a little as if neither of us was ready. I was ready. It would have been an enormous help to me.

It is an enormous help to me. What a tremendous gift I got. What an opportunity! I actually got to be told I didn't deserve to be hurt, that I didn't bring it on myself. That doesn't happen every day. And here it is, Anniversary Week and all.

That's been on the radar of course. I think it's harder for the feelings to engulf you if you are watching for their approach. That might explain what seems to me to be an inordinately painless May. Or maybe I'm experiencing some kind of progress. Looking back on where I was this time two years ago... well, it's a big difference. There's much more leaving the house and talking to people and what not. So knock on wood, cuz May isn't over yet. No, I need to stop thinking like that. Who says it's luck? Who says it's not that I'm strong enough, that I'm facing life more, that I'm dealing with things differently?

There are a number of losses / endings coming up as the Argentina trip gets closer. I have less than a month left at work. After that it's no more apartment or therapy or all my friends in the Happy Valley. Then no more USA. And the sadness around that has begun, before I'd even realized it. It's not as if I'm really enjoying myself at work. Really though, it's kinda my second home. To not have it at all seems preposterous. The same goes for my cute little room and my lovely friends. That's gonna be real hard, when I realize that I'm leaving my friends. Yet consider this part, that these things I'm saying goodbye to will not have claw marks on them. That I'm leaving of my own volition and going toward something. Even toward the unknown. I'm an active participant in my life.

Cuanto Le Gusta

2010-04-08T22:36:00.005-04:00

It only took an hour or so to do my taxes but the energy drink that fueled them is still pumping. Buzz buzz.

I've been pretty obsessed lately with the Argentina adventure. (You might have noticed the new link for the trip blog-- check it out.) I'm working on my Spanish every day. It's hard to tell how well that's going. I feel like I can pick up on more but remain useless at speaking. I'm still debating the merits of enrolling in a Spanish course down there. I'm sure that I would benefit but I have a lot of financial insecurity around the trip and don't want my expenditures to shorten my stay. I've also been pouring through the guidebooks. I finished the one on BA that Miho & Bukowski gave me and got an inclusive Argentine one which I've also finished. We certainly won't suffer from a lack of things to see and do. It's going to be amazing. Pampas! Iguazu falls! Penguins!

I'm frustrated at the moment because it feels like there is very little I can do in terms of preparation. I keep looking at apartments even though we won't be in the market until September, just because I want to be engaged in the project in some way. (At least I know that it's too early to start packing!)

The solution is obvious. I should be more engaged in my present. Why is that so hard for me? Why am I letting now slip through my fingers? I'm feeling pretty good. Much better than I have for a few months but I'm still not fully participating in my life. Still hiding out at home for the most part. Still waiting to live. Ah. Give it time. I think I'll come around pretty soon. Maybe even use the phone. I'd damn well better get myself engaged in living before the yearly May/June horrors set in. Can never be too prepared for that. I'd rather worry and have it be nothing than get caught with my emotional pants down.

Buzz buzz.

i thought i could not be stopped

2010-01-30T03:06:00.001-05:00

It was a good day. I prayed. Work went pretty fast. I talked to Bukowski. I went to a Big Book meeting. I chickened out on something but I didn't beat myself up about it. I bowled. I saw Caritas and got to talk to her a little and she made me laugh so damn hard. I danced my ass off. Unfortunately the price I have to pay for all that fun is that I'm not going to be up for yoga tomorrow. I've already been twice this week but I was hoping to make it four times. It's just not going to happen on so little sleep, not when I have to wake up extra early tomorrow. Ugh. Work is going to be brutal. I'm going to have to caffeinate the shit out of myself.

Want to know something cool? Today is my anniversary. I'm 7! Isn't that crazy? The age of reason. Heh. I wish that I didn't have to wait a week and a half to celebrate. I feel like a badass. Seven years! How did it go so fast? I remember when Bukowski celebrated seven years and it just sounded so impressive, like such a very long time. There's always a little sadness though. It makes me think about those who didn't make it. Grace is such a strange thing. Fickle or something. I didn't do anything to deserve this gift more than my dad or Jane T. Please God, don't let me forget. Let me hold onto this.

it betrays a bad mind

2009-12-12T23:05:00.003-05:00

I saw the Very Mean Lady tonight. As usual, her presence upset and confused. I feel angry because she did a Mean Thing, but I also feel this terrible loss for how much I wanted her to be in my life and to help me. I admired her so much, I can't shake it completely. Afterward, I ate dinner with some other women I admire and they were discussing how much they like the Mean Lady. Hearing her praised made my own experience feel devalued and it also made me jealous because they get to enjoy her good side.

I'm confused because when the Mean Lady was speaking to a group of us, she mentioned that she didn't always do the right thing or treat people well and as she said this she looked directly at me for an extended period. I don't know what to think. Was it a form of apology? Did I imagine it? What if she really was acknowledging that what she did to me was not okay? I mean, I really internalized the message she gave me that I don't deserve help. I really really did. It's been years since she did the Mean Thing and I'm still flying solo in fight club because of it. If she thinks I'm not unworthy of help I wish she'd say so directly. I can't be sure that she was sending the message that I thought she was. I almost wish that I'd gone up to her afterward and asked flat out if she was trying to say something to me. I just felt so fluttery and sad it didn't even occur to me. I don't know that I've got the eggs to be that direct. I wonder if I could ask later? But when am I going to see her? What if I asked her and she didn't know what the Hell I was talking about? God, that'd be horrible. It'd be like being scraped off of her shoe again.

Also in the unsettling sightings category I think that I saw AW2 in town. Again, I'm not sure that I saw what I think that I saw but it sure look liked him and he was driving what looked like his vehicle. It had Mass plates which would suggest that he's in the area permanently. It's been very freeing to have him gone, I hope I don't have to go back to looking over my shoulder.

Hurm. Enough bitching. I actually had a great day. Work was pleasant. I hung out with folks I like a lot and went to a hockey game. I even got a free ticket from a very nice lady. I just really needed to get that other stuff off of my chest. Thanks for hearing me out. Oh! I put up a poll so make sure that you scroll down and vote. My future depends on it.

looking with a tender eye

2009-12-11T01:13:00.000-05:00

I went through something of an extended depression from which I am just now reemerging. The reception from friends has been kind and loving. I have yet to learn to expect this but I certainly do appreciate it. There's some culture shock. The stiffness of unused muscles. I've forgotten exactly how to be and it's still awkward to move against my inclinations toward burrowing and stillness.

I've made some big plans for summer. Big Upheaval. I'm quitting my job and giving up my home. In July I will be traveling with Miho and Bukowski to Argentina (with a quick stop in Texas for Fight Club International) where I hope to stay for at least a few months. How amazing is that? It's my first big adventure and I'm excited for the new experience. At the very least I hope to improve my meager Spanish. Mostly I'm still skeptical, it just seems so outside of my normal experience that it couldn't possibly really happen. Still, I'm going along with it. I'll keep you updated.

What's most on my mind is what afterward is going to look like. I want to have something in place, for fear that I will revert to the Hellishness of a previous existence. Mostly this has meant that I'm starting to seriously look at graduate school. This brings up a whole kaleidoscope of fears, self-doubt and recrimination. I can't even tell you how much neuroses I bring to this subject, you would never believe me. The thing that is really worth mentioning is that after talking to a couple of helpful folks about it, I'm actually entertaining the possibility that it's within my capabilities. I just have to tackle one seemingly unassailable task at a time. Like the GRE. Gah!

When I get myself all stressed out I have a new solution. Reliance on a higher power? Better. (Thanks A!)

skip the darn thing and sing the refrain

2009-07-08T14:57:00.006-04:00

Another lovely swim thwarted by monsoon season. I spent an inordinate amount of time stubbornly standing bikini-clad by the pool while the rain came down. Sure, it was sexy, but fun? No. When will this horror end? Even as I write this the sun seems to be peeking out but it's just a big tease. I was even going to vacuum the pool, so clearly good deeds don't earn good weather. What's going to become of my bike-riding plans this afternoon?

Okay, so it actually is kinda beautiful now with the sun and the light rain. I'm almost tempted to run back out there but my history suggests that the clouds will roll back in as soon as I do. On the mental health topic I'm still experiencing better living through chemistry and attending fight club regularly. I'm even trying to read Literature regularly. My social life has had a little kick as well, having Miho and Bukowski come to visit over the long weekend. Another wonderful friend is coming for a few days at the end of the week (I don't have a clever pseudonym for her yet- let's just call her Jane). Joy! I am a lucky lucky girl to have all of these visitors. I'm only a little bit worried becuase I don't think I'm very good at coming up with fun activities, but I trust it won't be an issue.

Did I tell you that I'm doing the internet dating thing? Well I am. Pretty brave of me, no? I'm still hugely ambivalent about romance after the last fiasco so that's a bit of a stumbling block. We'll see how it turns out. It doesn't seem terribly appropriate to discuss here in any detail but if I end up enmeshed in a serious relationship or something I will let you know. Wish me luck!

Be well everyone.

do your best and don't worry

2009-06-05T22:14:00.005-04:00

It's pool-opening time at my house, which has me thinking about what a great place this is. Not just here on the estate, but the whole valley. This evening Ferdinand and I went out to Fight Club in Lake Pleasant. It was so lovely and woodsy and all, it made me think of Unirondack. I'd like to go back there in the daytime and have more of a stroll. Also, if anybody can explain the Bridge of Names to me I would be greatly obliged. It's like they never heard of a damn placard or something.

But nothing beats the farmland. Simple Gifts has critters now. Yeah sheep! Closer to home, the asparagus has been around and now we're getting into strawberries. Across the street they're selling free range eggs. Watch how you drive if you're nearby as they take free range pretty seriously. There are chickens in the road, wandering into neighbors' yards and willy-nilly all over the place.

You know what really has me in a good mood? I spent time with people today. I didn't want to, I wanted to stay in my house, but I'm really glad that I didn't. I got to speak honestly about things that are on my mind and get good feedback from two good friends. Why do I always forget that I am a social creature and I require human interaction? If I can just keep it in mind for a day... well you know how that works.

Has Gone

2009-05-16T08:17:00.006-04:00

I saw the new Star Trek movie. I enjoyed myself and I'm not going to apologize for that. They put alot of time and money into making these things entertaining, I don't consider it a personal failing on my part. It's one of those thin summer blockbuster type of pleasures that doesn't hold up to much scrutiny. If you've seen it, I think that you'll agree that the amount of enjoyment is inversely proportional to the amount of thought that you give it. I wasn't out of the theatre very long before I started having thoughts such as "hey, there were hardly any women in that movie! and they were all weak man-accessories!" Is it still that hard to write roles for women? Here's a tip, just pretend you're writing for a man and then cast it differently. Look how awesomely it worked in Alien.

There were a lot of things to hate about Star Trek if you wanna know the truth. But I trust that's all being covered by professional reviewers and needn't be reiterated here. So I'm gonna mention some of the good things.

It's so shiny! The physical atmosphere generally arcs from dark to brighter through the narrative culminating in the tanning-booth of the enterprise's bridge, but even from the beginning you'll notice what a bright and shiny movie it is. Especially Chris Pine's eyeballs. Holy crap is that guy pretty. He's so pretty he almost loops around and takes it back. It really gives some verisimilitude to the whole himbo-Kirk thing that Shatner never pulled off.

Also, lets talk Karl Urban. You know him, he was the big slab of meat shuffling around The Chronicles of Riddick and Doom. (Okay, I was the only one who saw Doom.) Well in Star Trek he actually does some acting type stuff. I know, I could hardly believe it myself. He puts on a voice, he moves his limbs. He's probably the member of the cast who best recreates the original character. I felt weirdly proud of him, like I was watching a baby bird fight its way out of its shell. You go, little guy! You can do it!

In the weird casting department, Sulu is now Korean. And Chekov is played by the love child of the two members of Tears For Fears. Bonus.

But what the hell was Tyler Perry doing there? His presence was even more distracting than that of Winona Rider. Man do I hate that guy. Tell me if I'm wrong. Cuz I really don't know anything about him. I've never seen a single one of his movies. I just get this terrible sense of his work. He seems like the anti-Chuck D. He seems like he is to Blackness what empty-headed fembots are to Womanhood. In a society ruled by white straight men with money it is revolutionary to be born black (or queer or female or poor) but it seems like he strips that identity of anything radical. Anyway, that's just what I get from shelving his movies, it's not like I haven't been wrong before.

Instincts are misleading. You shouldn't think what you're feeling.

2009-04-20T09:54:00.003-04:00

Not only do I usually fail to see the crazy coming, sometimes I even fail to recognize when it's already here. It's like ninja-crazy or something. It sits very still in the dark and it waits while I go about my business and then springs into action when there are no witnesses. Just last week I was on the phone telling my friend how well I am doing, ten minutes later I was in the shower crying my eyes out.

Inexplicable grief? Oh wait-- it's springtime! Ah yes, that lovely time of year. Birds are singing, squirrels are running around like super lunatics, the days are getting longer and I'm consumed with feelings of loss and abandonment. Grrrr. Stupid jerk springtime. The car stuff is really getting me down too. It's been about a month since my car died, and I think that I've done pretty well with it. There were only a couple of rainy days and I haven't bothered too many people for rides. That's part of the problem though, I've stayed pretty isolated, haven't been to many meetings. Classic me.

I've been getting to work fine. Thanks to the loan of my sister's bicycle it's been so much easier than my bike commute month in the fall. I'm working off some of that winter atrophy. And God, Hadley is beautiful. My lovely home, my own little valley. The nights are especially intense for inspiring proprietary feelings. It reminds me of times I stayed awake until morning and the dawn would reveal this whole empty world just for me. I didn't get that driving around in the Malibu, I can tell you that.

Still, having the option of using a car would be nice. Lucky for me, my mom has swooped in like a superhero to give me one. (I really am disgustingly blessed.) All I have to do is work out the insurance and transportation back and forth to Easthampton a few times and I will be all set. Yet here I am procrastinating with ya'll instead of setting that up. Why? I don't really know except that it sets off the crazy and makes me totally freak out. Seriously, I was filling out an online form to get a rate quote and I thought I was going to have a freakin panic attack. I am telling you that I've got ninja-crazy in my head. And asking someone to drive me to Easthampton? Yeah right. I feel like the worst, most burdensome turd in the world getting a ride 10 minutes to work.

It's funny. I would feel alright asking Miho or Bukowski to drive me if they were still around. Cuz I'm super secure in those relationships. I just equate asking people for help with pushing them away, so it's only the really tried and tested relationships I feel safe to press. I supose it makes sense that I would feel especially insecure given the time of year. Still, I have to get this all straightened out in the next couple of hours. Wish me luck. Maybe next time I will brag about my sweet new ride.

You've Got To Start Somewhere

2009-03-15T18:53:00.004-04:00

From the outset I'd intended this here blog to showcase my existential terror and general malaise but not as glum as it's been. Well, if you still doubt that depression is a mental illness you haven't been reading closely enough. Recently, the team of specialists tweaked the health regime and I'm doing much better. It's pretty awesome. I answer the phone when it rings. I can think about the future without flipping out. Yesterday I went to a potluck at Laverne & Shirley's apartment. I had the usual self-consciousness, but I also had a really good time.

I feel as though I've been unshackled. I wanted to share the good news.

Also, I'm able to receive email again. (They'd shut it down cuz I hadn't logged in since October- another little testament to my condition.)

your gradual descent into a life you never meant

2009-01-24T00:10:00.001-05:00

I don't know that I've ever done this before, but tonight I got as far as the church parking lot then skipped out of the meeting. I sat in my car for about ten minutes and then jetted. I know that it sounds very JAJ outside the treatment center, but it wasn't like that. I was just thinking about the irritating drive home and I didn't see why I should put it off. There were peer trades to monitor and this Chinese movie about a magic squash. The counter offer? The degree to which it could have improved my mood would have been negligible. Come on people-- MAGIC SQUASH! To tell you the truth, the gourd left alot to be desired. Oh well. Win some, lose some.

I went out East to visit Miho & Bukowski this past weekend. It was pretty cool, slipped back into swing of things without missing a beat. I love those two like crazy. Trying on the bridesmaid dress made the whole wedding thing much less academic. Married. People I know. Getting married. That's gonna seem weird for years to come. Maybe if I feel like a grown-up some day it will seem normal.

Back home and back to hiding in my room and turning off the phone. This crap has been going on for at least a year, maybe longer. I'm really ambivalent about the possible solutions. More Gleamonex -or- more compassion for myself and my traumatic childhood blah blah blah. I just want my damn anniversary to pass and for the summer to come back.

Nothing to say really. Just thought I'd toss out a note in a bottle. I've got rage to simmer. You guys be good.

Always Sober, Always Aching

2008-10-03T14:22:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to send out a little message to one and all, mostly to anybody whose been trying to get in touch with me since August (or in some cases May). I'm alive! One of the best things about being me is that I have never been, nor do I expect to ever be, a suicide risk. Still, I have been know to drop all but the most basic appearances of life. Some of you may remember when this was my default state for 8 out of the 12 months. The truly old-school remember a time when I practiced this method of non-fatal self-killing for years on end. So huzzah for progress! I think I'm still kinda messed up from when THE MEAN LADY who agreed to help me shat upon the last itty shred of trust I had left Grrr.

I'm really not fishing for sympathy here, there was a big componant of FTW at work. Just wanted to update that I've been creeping back out of my cocoon the past few days. Still haven't braved the filled voicemail box, but my phone is on. I love you all, I just got really scared of you for a while.

Be well friends.

Big smooches.

between the click of the light and the start of the dream

2007-11-07T10:23:00.000-05:00

Hey AW1 (or 3 depending on the count) --have I told you about this already-- that I drive by the house a few times a day? They enclosed the porch; they got rid of the wallpaper. I can stop wondering who they are. I met a girl this morning; she has my name and she sleeps in our bedroom. We gave her all of that closet space.

AW2 (or 4) also made an appearance. I felt less inclined to take his life, but I was still trying to blame him for my loneliness the way I once blamed you. Even if it is his fault that I only trust men who openly treat me badly, it's my own fault for fraternizing with them. I keep thinking about what K said. It just doesn't work anymore. It just doesn't work anymore. It just doesn't work anymore.

AJA-- I was reading some of your essays today. It made me feel nearer to you. And also more incompetent-- both in comparison to and in relationship to you. I had a thought that we are the same except that I lack your courage. What can I possibly say to you?

I know that I'm not conveying my feelings properly. I sound sad, but really what I am is grateful. There is that sharply focused awareness of my aloneness but I feel connected to humanity at large. There is sunlight. I have a passport. I never have to go back and I'm almost ready to start going forward.

my feet are in my shoes

2007-08-06T21:23:00.000-04:00

I'm back on the east coast and finally feel settled into my body, if not yet my life. Not that I really want to feel settled into my life. It doesn't fit anymore, there is no getting fully settled into this thing. It didn't take much for me to construct a whole big fantasy in my head of a new life in on the bay. Even if Aaron Cometbus has aparently moved to Brooklyn along with everyone else, there's still plenty out there. I mean-- It doesn't snow. It just doesn't. I can't wrap my head around it. I could ride my bike everywhere, get some fancy-pants berkley degree and make babies with H (hi man, hope you don't object, cuz i'll just toss you in the marriage sack).

Plenty of other interesting possibilities. (J, are we still moving to Oaxaca?) I was talking to a custie tonight about going back to my alma mater for an MSW. I wanna go run around some more. K and I need to make a shit-load of money so we can wander cross-country and then down the west coast of mexico and downward until we hit chile. Anybody out there in the internets full of wanderlust and want to join me on an adventure? I can be good company and very easy going if you'd be willing to give me a kick in the ass to get started.

checking for squirrels

2007-03-03T23:34:00.000-05:00

Periodically I find myself quite vexed by the lack of agreeable slang terms refering to female masturbation. "Jack off" has such a nice ring to it, and seems to capture the spirit of the act, but not the mechanics. When language fails me in this area I usually turn to the internet --or a slang dictionary if one is readily accessible. My trouble is that there are an awful lot of terrible terms. The keepers get lost in the mix amid the ridiculous and offensive and don't take hold in my lexicon. So I've singled out a few to share. I hope you'll find at least one that strikes your fancy and put it to use:
- Clitters
- Fingerbating
- Hitchhiking
- Doing your nails
- Pushing the button
- Spelunking
And finally -my personal favorite- Muffin buffin'. Use them in good health my friends.

An open letter

2007-02-27T23:18:00.000-05:00

This town is foggy and strange. I can't tell who's doing the haunting. I am kissing your face. And wherever you are, I hope that you are sleeping peacefully.

Boarding the B Ark

2006-08-29T11:23:00.000-04:00

I've been doing a ton of selling-out lately. I'm management. I have a cell phone. The cell phone has a camera.

Don't drink. Don't smoke. I'm a self of my former shambles.

It's too late for the lunch special at Panda Garden. I'm lusting after persons who would be inapropriate matches (as in dangerous, life-complicating, drama producing inapropriate). I have to move again. I really want to talk to E and A (among others) but it feels like there's not enough time... never enough time. I keep squanding it. And christ I am so damn tired.

I thought that if I got some bitching done, it would alleviate some of this displeasure. Nope. Energy follows attention. Is that what P says? I was hoping that energy would follow coffee, and then companionship would also follow coffee (usually there are lots of folks here that I want to hang out with). No luck with that theory either. Go home and pack? Take a nap?

Sorry folks, I intended to write something entertaining, if not mind-shatteringly profound. Writing is proving to be a challenge in this condition. Without some serious sleep I'm going to be useless in the lusting department tonight, should the opportunity arise.

Heh... I said 'arise.'

Snarf.

head wrapped in gauze

2006-06-24T19:01:00.000-04:00

Today I considered again that perhaps the delay in getting settled in my new home was at least in part due to the fact that it was the first time that I moved into a new space and failed to inaugurate the occurance with a round of Ziggy Stardust (the album, not the song). Since I left my Mom's after graduating highschool that has been my way of establishing each of my successive homes.
I've listened to it since I got here but I didn't do it first, didn't claim / cleanse the space with it, didn't usher in the new era. So I'm just recently starting to feel at home here, now with only two more months left.
This is what I really wanted to talk about. It's looking as if I won't be going to Mexico in September. When I first heard, I was really devastated. An analogy-- your bookcase collapses and brings down all of your books, smashes all of your little decorative momentos and soaks all of it in the mud from your recently watered potted plants. In that first moment it is catastrophic, but then you just get down to business and pick things up and throw out what you can't use and clean up what you can and if you just do that ("next right thing" anyone?) then everything's cool before very long at all.
I have an entirely different opportunity that seems to be replacing Oaxaca as the Next Phase of Opperation. I'm not ready to refer to it any less obliquely than that, at least not here. Plans change. It's very different from the old plan, but it might be really good. And I'm not giving up on Oaxaca entirely. I may go down for just a month in the winter and then for a rather long stay next year. As I said, plans change, the nice thing is that B is starting to appeal as much as A so the possible necessity of C in the future doesn't worry me terribly.
Hurm. Yes. Well. I really am very tired and a bit feverish so I suppose I'll (in the words of Shane MacGowan) fuck off to bed. Night all.

springy

2006-04-18T17:53:00.000-04:00

I have to reveal something rather embarassing: In all the time that I've lived here I had never gone out on the bike trail. It's especially silly cuz I really love a bike ride. Problem is that I've had a pretty big hate on for my bike for the last couple of years. I won't bore you with the details but it is a problematic little machine and I'm reluctant to board it.
Today was fucking lovely, and I'd like to commute to work w/o the car, so I thought I'd do some experimenting. Now I know the true folly of my ignorance. The bike trail is so freakin awesome. There is so much great stuff to see out there! The railroad bridge is much more attractive in the daytime and the water looks closer and more blue. The paved part of the trail had all of this glass on it. Some was just clear but there was also a lot of green (Heiniken, Rolling Rock, Molson Ice) and brown (Bud, Pabst, Labatt Blue). I thought it might just be a big underage club but I think the glass was actually mixed into the pavement. Anybody know what the deal is with that? Is it "recycling"? Is it just t make it pretty and shiney?
I saw at least two oakie-lookin pick-ups abandoned on the edges of farms. (These rusted out and overgrown lovelies are among my favorite Hadley sights and also remind me of going out to look at the planets with JS. Hi J!)
I rode past a squirrel about a foot away and it had a big clump of grass in it's mouth. (The little muff diver.) There were horses where I never knew there were horses. (Hi new horses!) There were old people gardening in their backyard. There was a farm of decorative shrubs that had some of the bushes pulled out of the ground and their roots wrapped up in little canvas root cozies.
A delicious smelling mulch pile. (Hi Mom.) One of those self-storage places. (Hi Dad.) A water tower similar to one that I climbed up a long time ago. (Hi Unirondack.) A birdhouse made from a coffee can. That's a nice idea but in reality it was all rusty and jagged like the promo art for one of the current horror movies. Yeesh.
I rode as far as Pete's Drive-In. (2 bergs for 2 bucks!) I didn't partake but I did crash out on the sunny grass before heading back. Then on the way home I went by this house that I pass just about ever day and noticed for the first time that it is painted like the Israeli flag but with a big heart instead of a Star of David. Wild. I went by K's house but nobody was in. I did see a Parliment butt next to her car and it made me feel so glad, being able to spot that little sign of her presence.
Doesn't that sound like more or less the coolest afternoon ever? The evening was also wonderful but in more familiar ways, no new ground was broken. I think the analogy that best describes my mood is "like a pig in shit".
I'm sharing this to spread around some of the happy. I hope everyone is getting the chance to do springtime things and enjoying life.

I didn't have a Tuesday

2006-02-22T20:39:00.000-05:00

One of the mood options on this little thingy is 'working.' How exactly is that a mood? And why do I feel the need to critique every goddamn thing? So, it's my weekend. Only I just saw half of it becuase I slept all day Tuesday and then all through Tuesday night until Wednesday morning. Depending on how well or from what part of my life you know me, this might not seem strange. Believe me that it felt very very strange.
It made Wednesday weird too cuz I was up early (yet rested) and I had a bunch to do. It's cold-ish but sunny so I was bumming around town. I ran into a woman, not someone I'm very close to, but a friend of a friend. She was down another tooth since the last time we spoke. She made a joke about all of the candy she eats and I made one about the heroin not being too good for dental health either and we both had a good laugh. The whole conversation was like that-- flip and light-hearted with an undercurrent of desperate horror. We laughed at the rich college kids in their sweatshop manufactured che t-shirts who didn't give her change and I realized that it has been a long time since I hated someone because of their clothes.
I pushed the interaction way back into my head and it's only resurfacing now that i'm ready to go to bed. It's just so goddamn sad. And I didn't have a goddamn thing to say except that I hoped her love of cheeseburgers won out over her desire to kill herself.
I'm wondering why I felt the need to share that on freakin' my space. But that just gets me wondering generally about the nature of communication and memoir and relationships and mortality and meaning making etc etc. In any case, it's shared now. I hope that it makes you feel gratitude and compassion. I hope that it does the same for me.

the gym

2006-02-07T15:03:00.000-05:00

working out is great and all but my favorite thing about the gym is the infinite supply of hot water. not only does my place have crap pressure, but my roommate and i gasped in terror at our latest gas bill. those price-gouging fckrs. i havn't collected the data to back this up, but my inital findings indicate that pairing it with exercise increases the health benefits of listening to fugazi by as much as 20 percent. sweetness!